Sooo just a quick lil update. Nothing too exciting has been going on...so...this should be pretty short. First of all I tweaked my diet plan again (like I said I would until I found something that worked). Now I stay under 20 net g carbs sunday-tuesday. Then I do 2 4 6 wednesday-friday. Then saturday is 1200. If I stick to my plan the entire week on Saturday for dessert I have whatever I've been craving the most all week. If not, too bad so sad. In other news I am weighing myself every wednesday morning. This morning was 134 which isn't too bad because I'm sure I gained a bunch while camping/vaca in cali so now I'm pretty much back to where I started. Maybe a little below. And..uh..yeah. Thats it! Loves.

I just got called and "Etheral Beauty" by some random guy at my college's food court

^-^

Edit:

And I just got asked to do a photo shoot for Mary Kate makeup. Oh. My. God. I have NEVER modeled in my life. Oh God.

From Cali! It was a lot of fun. Sure I didn't get to do everything I wanted, but what we did do was still fun and it was nice hanging with some of my high school buds again. Plus I got some really cute clothes that were all size small! Its amazing how the simple letter "S" can make a girl feel so good. Anywho, the first few days of my planned juice fast actually went pretty well. But then on Thursday I got the idea in my head that 'I'm on vacation. I might as well enjoy my last few days here!'. So I bet you can guess what happened next. The first day of eating wasn't toooo bad, but Friday (especially at night) was horrible and Saturday (night as well) wasn't much better. But I am not going to get discouraged. I am going to get motivated! Hear me roar! Haha, sorry I had to say that.

Anywho, I've decided to go back on ABC but with a little twist. First of all my calorie limit is 100 under what the plan is every day. So if it says 500, I have 400. If it says 100 I fast. Also, I have a 20 gram of carbs limit every day. This kinda sucks because it means I can't really have any fruit. But its worth it! It also means I can hardly reach my cal limit on the higher days because A: I'm vegetarian so I can't have meats that are low in carbs but high in protien/cals and B: the only veggies this house contains is lettuce (yes, thats it). Not that I'm complaining about that! Fridays are 500 cal / free carb days, and Saturdays are free cal / free carb. That way I wont binge during the week and my body will have a chance to 'wake up'. Also, I am FORCING myself to step on the scale every Thursday morning.

I know I keep changing my plan like every week. But I need to do this to find one that works for me and my lifestyle. So yeah I keep jumping around. But I have to. Maybe this one is the one I can stick to. Who knows? I seriously hope so.

P.S. I seriously want to hang out with Mael but I can't until I lose this weekend's binge weight. If thats not the ultimate motivation I don't know what is.

Ok. Its true. I've fallen off the bandwagon. Actually thats a lie...I didn't just fall off. I was thrown off, rolled down a dirty hill, got washed up in a speeding river, thrown around under the sea, and finally landed half way around the world (the world of skinny).

But it changes.

Here.

NOW!

There is nothing nothing nothing nothing standing in my way. Only I can prevent myself from reaching my dreams. And I am no longer going to stand in my own way. I will not hinder myself. I will not be the boot that kicks me off the bandwagon. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. I will love myself and showing off all my hard work. Girls will die with envy. Boys will pick me up without a second though. I will be thin enough to fit into any boys arms. Even Sam's. And if I can't get him, I will be skinny enough to impress Mael.

So here is the plan

Week 1 (5-11): Fast
    Hopefull Weight: 133
Week 2 (12-18): Juice for breakfast, lunch, dinner. 300 or under
    Hopefull Weight: 130
Week 3 (19-25): Juice for breakfast, dinner. Low cal anything for lunch. 500 or under
    Hopefull Weight: 127
Week 4 (26-1): Fast
    Hopefull Weight: 120

120 is...is...MY ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT! AHHHHHHH. I WILL DO IT! I'm being serious here guys and gals. This is it

I also have a few things I just wanna get off my chest. I can't tell any of my friends. But I just need to let it out

1. Seeing Sam with Ray Ray kills me even though I know I'm not skinny enough to fit into Sam's arms. Plus my 'love' for him has been fading as of late. But I still want him to worry about me. I want him to see just how thin I can be. I want to prove to him that I can do it, that I am strong enough.

2. I have fallen back into 'love' with Mael. Like hardcore. He and I went our for coffee the other night after I haven't seen him for months and months and months. After first semester got out we stopped talking and he went to France for the summer. Anyway, the moment I laid eyes on him my stomach just....dropped. And my heart shot straight into the stars. He looked so tall and handsome. And there was just this positive energy beaming off of him that was intoxicating to me. Now all I can think about is lying in his arms again and listening to him play his guitar until five in the morning. But how can I tell him that!? After breaking his heart like I did? God I am so lost and I don't know the last time I felt like this.

3. I believe in myself!

As the title doth suggest, its been a while since I've posted! Sure it hasn't been aaaages or anything like that. But I certainly had to break my post a day trend I had going there. The reason? I went camping with the fam fam! We went down to Bryce Canyon for the weekend. For the most part it was a blast. We went on like a five mile hike that was uup and down and uuuuuuuuup and down. Kicked my butt even though I wasn't sore! However, the trip turned into like a straight three day binge for me. Seriously. I hate so much food I can't believe I didn't die from combustion. Great way to end a fast right? I think I gained back all the weight and more I lost during those oh so wonderful fasting days. Great. I suck. Straight up suck. I'm going to be a WHALE when I hit the beach next week with my girlfriends. The worst part is I can't seem to shut that binge mind off. I wanna eat everything in sight when usually I couldn't care less unless I'm starving. GAH! I NEED MY CONTROL BACK! For now the plan is to have only negative calorie foods during the day and part of my dinner at night. Hopefully that'll keep my cravings a little lower and still lose some weight. Lets pray. Loves!

Sooo pretty much I had to cut my fast short. There ya go. I said it. And I feel TERRIBLE about it!! As if I didn't feel bad enough changing my plan in the first place and then I turn around and totally break the thing. But I did have a reason....if that helps at all. You see I'm going camping with my family tomorrow (as it turns out). My mom, also known as the Hawk, would notice in a second if I failed to eat anything. And then she would get all sorts up of in my gril haha. So today I started with juice, then a smoothie, then actual fruit in the form of strawberries. For the rest of the weekend I'm going to try my hardest to eat only fruits and veggies while camping. Since I decided to go vegan my mother can't really get mad at me for eating only those types of food. So lets hope it goes well! And lets hope I don't gain back all the weight I lost just because of my silly mother.

Thats all. Just a quick update! Loves.

So today is the first official 'water' day! Juicing for three days was a breeze though I feel pretty guilty about not have fresh juices for it. But we don't own a juicer at home so what was I supposed to do!? I did make sure that whatever drink I did have had 100% whatever on the label. Not perfect. But still somewhat good....I hope. But anyway, yeah its water and tea from here on out (at least for ten days). I know I can do it but I'm also afriad that I'm already starting to get boooooored. Which I guess is another benefit of this fast: it will show me that I don't need food to enjoy my day! And when I finally get off this fast guess what.....no guess again....I'm going VEGAN! I read Skinny Bitch and it completely convinced me in one sitting that I need to change. I told my mom and she, to put it nicely, did not think so highly of it. Every time I passed her she threw out another reason why I was making a stupid choice. Back off mom. If I wanna be healthy and not stick dying carcass in my mouth then let me! Plus this way I get to plan all my meals and do my own cooking. Much easier to keep track and control over calories if I do say so myself.

I wanna be DONE with this fast so I can have fun being VEGAN!

In other news, I'm down four pounds. Not huge but I'm blaming some of that on the fact that I'm on my period : D (despite the fact that I'm on the pill....strange)

Hey all you beautiful people. Its Fathers Day! Which usually I would be all happy about becuase it means fucking awesome meals and lots of people to interact with. However, this year is a little different. Why? Because I'm still on my fast! But I actually managed to stick through it. Its like the cosmos were on my side hard core today. First I had a bbq to go to at my papi's house. Turns out he was feeling too sick to have us over. Meal one: over. Then I had the dinner at my mom's house to worry about (for my step dad). However, I guess the dinner thing was just for his kids because they all went to Joy Luck without even asking my bro and I if we wanted to join. My mom just said she would bring us back left overs. But I 'had' oatmeal (I chew/spit it but left the bowl out as evidence) so of course I'm too full to eat greasy chinese food. Bahah. I ROCK! So my fast is officially still on. And yeah...I'm starting to feel a little hungry now...in my head.

In other news my leg is feeling SO MUCH BETTER! I didn't have to take a lortab today and I could even take a walk this morning. It feels so amazing to finally be moving around. You don't understand how crazy I was going being stuck in bed for an entire week. I needed to burn those calories and there was just no possible way. While on the walk there were a few 'goals' and 'rewards' I planned for myself. They are:

130: Post progress pics
125: Post progress pics, tell the scrawny boy that I have the biggest crush on that I have feelings for him
      - This has to wait until 125 because he is so thin that I need to feel like I'll actually fit in his arms when we cuddle
120: Post progress pics, get a pixie hair cut
115: Shopping. Fucking. Spree, and pamper myself at the spa for finally reaching my goal weight

Sooo day one of my 'new plan' is going great! For those of you who don't know, I decided late last night that I'm done with ABC. I'm done countinig calories. I'm done planning my every single meal for every single day. I want to only eat when I'm actually hungry, make the healthy low calorie choices because I want to, and feel that my body is clean by wanting to feed it only the best and healthiest food items. To start this transformation I am going on a fast. Its for weight loss, of course, but its also for spiritual (not religious) reasons as well. So I'm hoping all will go well. Sadly its going to be near impossible to hide from my hawk of a mother but a girl can try! The plan is three days juice, ten days water, then three days juice. Today is Day 1. I've messed up already a little bit in that I had store bought juice today and made a smoothie out of fruit instead of just the juice. But its still a start right?

I'm not even hungry yet. Yay. Too bad its only two in the afternoon.